Grief
by RhondaStar
Summary: SPOILERS! A Dumbledore McGonagall pairing reaction to HBP


**Disclaimer:** All is owned by J.K. unfortunately - i am merely playing...

**Author's Note:** This is my first ever Harry Potter fic so be kind, it's also an instant reaction to just finishing HP6 this afternoon therefore not at all happy. Dumbledore McGonagall pairing - if you don't like the idea of these characters being together look away now. _Set at the end of Chapter 29_

**CONTAINS SPOILERS - do not read if you don't wanta major spoiler fromHP6**

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**_Grief _by Posh**

They filed out of her office; wordlessly she closed the door after them and turned surveying the room, her room, her office. No, always his. Nothing could erase that. The image of him sitting behind that desk sipping tea and smiling at her swam into her mind and she quickly shook her head to erase it. Mustn't dwell on it now, there was too much to do, too much clouding her judgement.

She marched into the centre of the room ringing her hands together, yet just what was she supposed to do now? What was her next move? It was the middle of the night, nearing morning, the view from the window was still black, she wondered if the sun would ever shine again. She recalled the fiery red that had dominated the sky much earlier that evening, when Albus had called her to his office and briefly told her he would be out of the school for a few hours. A warning of what lie ahead perhaps? They hadn't had much time together, a few minutes before they were joined by the other staff. He had communicated little, she knew well enough by now not to probe, if he wanted to tell her he would, if it needed to be shared then he would. Fifty years together had taught her all that was to know about that man. She knew simply by the look in his eyes, the way he gripped her arm and said her name and gently kissed her forehead.

What she didn't know was it would be the last time. But then what would she have done differently, what could she do differently? Cling to him and beg him not to leave that night, communicate every nuance of feeling to him in those brief seconds? It wasn't possible. They'd had a lifetime and still she'd not managed to cover it all, there was always more to say to him. She would never prevent him from doing what he had to do; it had been built into their relationship from the beginning, the belief in each other, to trust each other's judgement implicitly without question.

She realised with a sigh that she'd been standing frozen in the centre of the room for quite some time. Her hands were shaking as she lifted her wand and conjured a small glass of fire-whisky. Downing it in one she prayed it would relieve some of the tension in her chest, it didn't. She refilled it and drank the second measure straight down. Her throat burned, tight and constricting.

The floor beneath her feet seemed to shiver and disappear and her legs gave way as she collapsed onto the rug. Her body convulsed with the sobs that had been building up within her since Hagrid had sobbingly told her of… of… Oh god, he was gone, he was really gone! It no longer mattered that she was supposed to hold things together, that she wasn't allowed to let go right now, she had to be the strength for the school. The world had collapsed around her and the screams that tore from her body were as raw and unstoppable as the day that would follow.

"_ALBUS…… ALBUS………" _

The portraits around her said not one word, they cried along with her.

Her brain no longer capable of functioning logically she relived the moments, fighting below when he was weak, when he needed her, the first time he'd ever needed her that way. She would have done it for him; she would have died for him, taken the curse. He wouldn't have allowed it but she would have, she would have…  
_  
"Don't leave me alone."_

Her head fell forward and she felt her hair loose around her face, her skin sore where she was grazed and the salt of her tears mixed with her congealed blood. Reaching inside her robes she pulled the chain from around her neck, repeating his name in a mantra as she felt the ring in her hand.

Again she screamed, the pain in her chest unbearable, she would have gladly taken another four stunners to her chest right now. If the students could see her, weak and broken, their new leader. But she couldn't do it, she couldn't, she wasn't Albus, she couldn't face Voldermort, she couldn't defeat him, she couldn't lead them to victory. All was lost.

All was lost.

All they'd worked to achieve together, the order, the school, Fawkes gone, their leader gone, her husband gone.

Weeping hardly seemed an appropriate way to describe it, her body racked by the deep throbbing ache as it rose up her chest and out of her throat. The burning tears still pouring down her face, she could no longer see, she was dying inside.

"Albus, Albus…" Her voice so refined and elegant now cutting and trembling, not hers at all, a voice from a dream or some memory. The voice of pain somehow erupting from her old desperate body.

"Minerva."

His voice was gentle, exhausted. She hardly registered it; it was in her mind, a distant memory of being with him earlier that day.

"Minerva."

It was repeated again, she lifted her head, vaguely aware that it was her name being spoken. Frantically looking around the room for whoever had dared to intrude on her grief her eyes finally focused on the portrait above his desk. His head was still lolling on one side, his body still looked as if he was still sleeping but his eyes were staring at her.

"Oh Albus." She mouthed, slumped on the floor.

"Don't cry my love."

"I can't…" she gasped. "I can't go on without you."

"Yes you can, you must, they need you."

"I need you."

"We always knew it would come, always. We spoke of it many times."

"But not yet, I'm not ready." She couldn't halt the fresh tears that spilled down her face. "I don't want to be alone, without you."

"I would never leave you alone Minerva, I'm always going to be here." He smiled for her, how could he smile now when all was failing?

"No," she gulped. "No don't do that, this can't be, it can't. I need you."

"I'm here." He said gently still smiling at her, that look of holding some deep inner knowledge that she couldn't possess.

"NO!" She screamed clambering to her feet and throwing herself around the desk to the portrait. "Nothing is ever going to be… no happiness… no joy, hope."

"There is always hope, you know that as well as I."

"Albus, you aren't with me, who is going to hold me at night, who is going to soothe this anguish away? Nobody can."

At this he made no reply, he couldn't.

"Wipe away my tears and dispel this burning pain…" she clasped her chest. "It hurts so much, it aches." She was losing all sensible thought, grief wrapping around her in a deathly cloud, snaking around her body and denying her coherence. "The loss throbs inside me, I can't breathe."

"But it will lessen, it will Minerva." He said the words with finality. "You have to break through this and do what you must do, what I know you can do. Hogwarts needs you, Harry needs you, now more than ever."

She had stopped crying and was staring into the face she knew so very well.

"And you will always have my love, my everything."

Gulping for air so harshly that she felt her lungs would explode with the force of it she suddenly found a calmness sweep through her shaking body. She clenched her fists and resolutely shook her head. She had always known she would have to accept this, in the end there was nothing she could do to change it and to attempt to do so would be fruitless. She couldn't curl up and die, she had no choice but to go on.

Swallowing she brushed the dampness from her cheeks.

"And you will have my love. Always, you know that. There has never been another in my heart."

"Minerva… my wishes." He said earnestly.

"I haven't forgotten." She pulled a handkerchief from her robes, it was still damp from earlier but she brushed it across her face anyway. "I will do as you wish. I promised that."

It suddenly registered how exhausted he looked, how drained and empty, how could a portrait, mere oil and parchment, hold the life of such a great man? "Sleep again Albus." She said softly.

"I will be here whenever you need me."

"I know that," she sighed. "I've pulled myself together, I have to act now, quickly…" the formidable Professor McGonagall was back in place.

"Sleep my love." She said gently and the eyes of the portrait closed and once again he slept peacefully.

She gazed at him for a few moments longer then turned around and surveyed the other portraits. Thankfully they had all closed their eyes, feigning sleep and giving her the privacy she needed right now.

Taking a deep breath she pushed the grief down into the pit of her stomach, it couldn't fester there forever she would have to deal with it one day but right now she had to be Headmistress. She had to finish Albus Dumbledore's work.

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_**"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think there was a little more love in the world."** MM in HP:HBP_

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